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"Toot Toot!" - Chovonga, Loudest Man of the 1935ths 10 naps in a row.

The clarinetophone is a musical instrument in the bleef family known to inhabit the bystander dimension. Occasionally, the clarinetophone will enter our realm and begin to play its haunting bleefnotes, or occasionally, beef-tones, edible meat sounds considered to be "real" by "everyone."

Tehootay, Tehootay, a player on display

The player

The clarinetophone race understands that humanity is unaccustomed to seeing instruments play themselves. For instance, the player piano always has a comfort boy or "brass bastard" sitting in front of it, so people can feel confident that humanity will never again sail away on the dictator-ship and shop in the disaster-shop of the Pianoroid Hordes.

Comfort my sideheads, o boy of brass

Likewise, the clarinetophone projects an owner that appears to be playing it. In fact, the sounds heard comes out of the owner's face and not the clarinetophone at all.

The 'player' is created either by holographic projection, or by inflating a man-shaped scrotum. The player appears to be playing the clarinetophone from its single-reeded penis pipe.


The clarinetophone's distinctive sound has been described as sounding like a map, but if the map were of another, utterly dissimilar Canada. It has also been described as sounding like a clay kite flying in a cloud of yam-juice on a world hot enough for yam-juice vapor to exist. Alternately, it has been called 'not a flute' by the Obvioso of Clap Hell.

Mentions in Poop Culture

Robert Fecardian has used the clarinetophone as a metaphor for a poop that excretes a man in order to feel loved, and then the man flushes it away in a gesture of great irony.

Mentions in Pop Culture

Scholardi points out that the nursery rhyme "The Rhyme of the Voluntary Castration of Sam McBanes" includes the most commonly quoted reference to the instrument.

Tehootay, Tehootay
The 'inetophone returns today,
Just hear that bleef discreetly play

Teehotay, Teehotay