Crivitt's Attendant

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The Crivitt's Attendant is a companion species which serves an unknown purpose, but is always nearby all sufferer's of Crivitt's Disease. As a result, it can be said that the Attendant is a "Symptom" of Crivitt's, but some researches now believe that Crivitt's Disease is a symptom of the attendants.


Attendants are hard to describe, due to a funny rap song, "Jelly Butts", that was so descriptive of "Gelatine Dreams" (buttocks), that it rendered all other descriptions of all other things meaningless. To attempt to describe, for instance, your girlfriend's annoying habbits to her in a way that won't make her angry has become impossible, thanks to rapper "Glastonbury Jones". Have you ever tried to describe to a barber what kind of haircut you want, and found out that your description was severely lacking, found out the hard way? By having ropes tied around your latest sculpture and then having the sculpture mocked on the news as a "real ropey dopey ding dong" or a "glass merchant's wet dream," or worse, as a "frog winter." As such, describing the Attendants' appearance will almost always fail.

Of the few attendants which have been studied, they range between 60 and 100 centimeters in vaguely roguish rascal-charm. The typical man or woman's rascal-charm is no longer than a few cenitmeters. IN height, they range from the height of a beige winter's dream to the height of a typical thursday hunger, so quite short. Their heads have a purely moral function, and serve no physiological needs. Their eyes, glassy mirrors into the limpid depths of sorrow, their smiles, like a granule of pure lamp-light. They have no discernible hope-glands, yet remain eternally optimistic, as the membership rolls of the "eternal optimists party horn" indicate. They have the ability to breathe out a kind of clandestine sigh, which when heard turns the hearer into stone (metaphorically, in actual fact, nothing happens (trans-metaphorically. Physically and literally, they are transformed into stone)) (all words are metaphors of some kind or another [anything in brackets is untrue {except this and one other parenthetical passage above. Which one? I wont' say, but here's a clue: when triple shines the single sun, look to the daggar and Mandalior, and when the sky is cleaved in twain, the passage shall appear. (creepy eh? this part is true too(it wasnt' that scary, psyche))}]).

if you see an attendant, you are invited to share your experience at one of the many facial inclusion booths located around the world.


It is unclear of their origin, but the first known Attendant specimen dates back to the discovery of Crivitt's disorder, or its emergence, depending on which theory you subscribe to.

Relationship to Chobblins

The obvious physical relationship between Attendants and Chobblins has sparked speculation into a possible genetic relationship. The primary theory, advanced by Pardir Nahir: Clever One is that the Clearchus Sect, an annecdotal scientific organization, attempted to revive the Chobblin race from extinction, fearing the Nelhaalu Discrepancy would diverge from the Nerhaalu Compliance, as per the Prophetic Planks of Dim Hadir Nal Pa'Walluu'uu'u. Fearing that Chobblins' aid woudl once again be needed to preserve mankind along it's Tent Path, they stole genetic samples from the crown of the Last Chobblin King/ However, their techniques were unsuccessful, and the result was the Prime Attendant, the first such attendant, and a being considered an attendant of all things. At the same time, someone near by began suffering the tell-tale "fruit winter" of Crivitt's disease. There is no corroborative evidence to support this theory, except circumstantial evidence, and that the brightness of lamps is affected when this theory is mentioned aloud in a room with lamps. That's pretty eerie; I've seen it.

Attendant of All Things

Have you been driving, and seen a parking attendant? Did you notice he looked just like the man depicted to the right? Were you ever driving and the toll booth attendant spoke to you, and smiled, handing you some seeds and sending you on your way by slapping the back of your car? Look familiar?